Note: This is the second “original” entry. Dated 1/2/13.

I realized since typing my last entry that I need to be more thorough in my explanation of my goals for this upcoming year. The last post kind of glossed over them so this one will explain them in more detail. The idea is that if I ever start to falter I can at least go back through these posts to remind myself why I started this journey to begin with.

I’m having a hard time putting a number to or listing these goals in a certain order because really, one is not more significant than the other. They are so intertwined that I can’t have one without the other. It just doesn’t work that way. The goals have equal weight and bearing on my overall well-being, so to say that one goal is number 1 and the other is number 2 doesn’t seem fair… But for explanation’s sake I have to have some way to describe them so instead of saying goal 1 and goal 2, I feel it’s better to think of them as 2 halves of a whole.

Half #1: Reach a healthy BMI

Setting a goal of losing a certain amount of weight in a certain amount of time is admirable to those who can accomplish that, but I’m not one of them. I don’t like the strictness of it I guess. There’s no room for forgiveness (half #2) when you mess up. For example, if I were to say to myself: “You must lose 70 pounds in 3 months!!!” I would be setting myself up for failure because that would literally be impossible and I don’t want to fail at this again. That’s why I don’t see anything wrong with setting a goal of having a healthy BMI. There’s no set weight that MUST be reached, but a healthy range of weight for your frame instead. I feel that trying to achieve a normal BMI is a much healthier aspiration than setting a nearly-impossible goal of X amount of weight in X amount of time.

According to the website for the hospital that I work at, a healthy BMI for a woman my height is 18.5 – 24.9. Right now I’m at a 36, roughly, since I don’t know exactly how much I weigh at the moment. (I’m happy to say that since the time I wrote this and now, my BMI is down to 34. Still not great, but it’s improving!) However, a few pounds in either direction won’t change the fact that I am in the obese category. Obese. Let that sink in, brain.

Half #2: Change the way I see and think of myself on the inside.

I was going to change that last sentence in the above paragraph, but I won’t because it’s a perfect segue to the second half of my goal, which is being kinder to myself. That self-deprecating tendency to put myself down is exactly what needs to be changed. This blog is probably going to be rough and hard to write or read sometimes, but damn it if it won’t be honest. I’m not going to keep pretending everything is fine when clearly it isn’t. This is a huge internal battle I’ve been having with myself for a very long time and it needs to end. So, every time I have a demeaning thought about myself, I will try to stop it in its tracks before it gets anywhere. I will tell it to shut the F up and compliment myself on something instead. Which brings me back to those small, attainable goals that I make daily. Those are great things to compliment myself on, especially since it’s hard to compliment myself on anything to do with my physical body right now. If I can work up to that by allowing myself to feel good about doing something well, then I think my self-esteem issues can be conquered. It’s going to be so nice to take a compliment and give a genuine thank you because I know it’s true, too!

Notice how there are no time frames here? I don’t believe in setting a time frame on something of this scale. This MeVamp might take me awhile. I may not accomplish both halves of my goal in this one year, but you can bet I’m going to get a good start on it. Because a year from now, I want to look back and think, “Damn, girl. You rock!”


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